Behind the Scenes with Vicky Pasion: 'Can't Go Back'
Listen to "Can't Go Back" now!
It’s the day after my birthday and I want to take a moment to share everything that’s been happening since ‘Life is but a Vapour’ - it feels apt to take some time to reflect on all the incredible things that I’ve grown through over the past two years.
Where to start? Well, ‘Life is but a Vapour’… That mixtape was created so innocently and honestly… I was going through so many personal and professional shifts in 2017 that music felt necessary; it was the only way I knew how to honestly express myself. Creating music felt like singing my journal entries – the whole process was cathartic and helped me to understand why I was feeling so confused, lost and heavy a lot of the time.
I mean, at one point I was teaching secondary school boys – skip to a year later and I was the lead on a UK tour, and on the West End, I was in the relationship of my dreams, and I was living the life of my dreams. Everything seemed to be happening so fast, I just needed some time to process it all.
So, I listened to some beats and pulled out a pen and paper; within a few months, I had written, recorded and released honest music from my heart; the support of loved ones, fans and other dreamers alike, brought me out of my shell and encouraged me to keep sharing my truth. It was such a crazy season in my life – I’d never been so publicly honest about who I was, and what I wanted to say before that point.
Looking back, Winter 2017 was inevitably tough. I was naturally spending more time with myself, trying to get to grips with all the changes that were coming from all aspects of my life. People I was once close with were no longer supportive, and I naturally moved away from energy that made me feel drained or undervalued. It was mad scary - as things in my personal life seemed to fall apart, things with my soul seemed to be taking off.
I ended the year touring London with a full band, and ultimately headlining the Notting Hill Arts Club. I was on cloud nine! Just imagine, within four months I’d created something out of nothing. I felt so strong. The support and love I received during that time inspired me to capture this experience in a short documentary ‘Limit Less’ – it always reminds me of where I started, and to keep dreaming.
After the run of ‘Life is but a Vapour’, I felt that I needed to learn and experience more; so, I went into a season of silent meditation – away from the outward busy pace of London, and towards the inner rhythms of my breath. From that moment, everything changed. During this time I felt like I had met myself, with all my past traumas coming to the surface, haunting my dreams, only to wake up and sit through another meditation session, observing those sensations come and go, and come and go some more.
I returned home feeling free and ignited to carry on with my journey. So, I took some time to purposefully connect with my estranged dad, after which I independently travelled around Sri Lanka, where he is from, to explore that side of me. I also took a trip to the Philippines and spent time with my mum’s side of the family; while I was there, I got to understand and appreciate her life’s journey of incessant hard work to create a better life for herself and her family.
I also began unravelling ideas of ‘family’ and ‘home’, and started coming to terms with my mixed heritage and identity. Part Sri Lankan, part Filipino – part of this, part of that; I experienced time ‘within and without’ different cultures – like an enlightened Gatsby, belonging to no one but my own aspirations.
On my travels, I took with me my song-writing journal. And that dear dreamers, loved ones, friends and fans, is where this next season of music begins…
‘Can’t Go Back’ is my version of an epic 90s ballad, infused with some desi spices and candid storytelling. When writing the song, I was sitting in the midst of Ella’s mountains, soaking in Nature’s beauty and expansiveness. I’d accepted that my dad was a part of me, regardless of our lack of a relationship, and immersing myself in the beauty of Sri Lanka’s people and landscape helped to sooth this honest acceptance.
In terms of singing, I’m musically trained and I was always inspired by the drama and gravitas of my idols Whitney Huston, Celine Dion and Mariah Carey. On top of the mountains, I felt like it was my moment to open my mouth and to sing – with no judgements, and no holding back. Whenever I sing ‘Can’t Go Back’, I feel like the heroine I’ve always dreamt of being, actively choosing my destiny.
Lyrically, I see ‘Can’t Go Back’ as a ‘part two’ to one of my first tracks off the ‘Life is but a Vapour’ mixtape, ‘Perhaps’:
“Let me take my time, let me take my time/ I just need some time/ I just need to climb/ Up high towards the moon/ Reaching for the stars/ Perhaps - I’ll be back soon.”
Now that I feel like I’m amongst the stars, I know now that I ‘Can’t Go Back’. I think when you hear it, you’ll hear me sounding more rooted and soul-full; when recording my vocals, I literally felt planted and expansive. I felt like I was ready to take flight.
On the day of recording, I was surrounded by so much love and support from my team. My best friend passed through, and I was reminded of our time together as teachers, and how much we’ve grown through since then! She brought her young son to the session, and he had his moment to bang on some drums – he’s usually quite reserved, so it was a reminder to us of how powerful music is –he needed no other language to express himself. Kaz, my long-time collaborator, was put on the spot and played the bass upside down! He’s a left-handed electric guitarist, but we needed some bass, and the only instrument available was right-handed – so, Kaz came through with the bass! We all worked into the night and ended it frazzled, exhausted yet proud of what we’d created.
What’s next? Well, there’s so much that I’ve been keeping under wraps!
Expect to hear new music, acoustic soul jams and a ‘f*ck you’, empowering record to take you into the new year. Also, keep your eyes peeled for some editorials that I’ve shot with some incredibly talented creatives. I’m so happy that I’ve stayed true to my vision, and that I’m creating with people I love and admire. The world can seem so overwhelming and dismal at times, my hope is for someone, somewhere, to connect to my lyrics and the soul behind my melodies, then I’ve won. We’ve won.
As the days begin to feel shorter and the nights longer, I hope that we all continue to find moments to connect with each other and to keep creating space for conversations of hope, positive change, and action.
‘Can’t Go Back’ was created as an act of affirmation. It’s for anyone and everyone that has taken steps this year to move towards your own happiness (perhaps away from an unhealthy relationship, or a job that has held you back, or out of a pit of anxiety…); it’s about owning our sense of vulnerability and bravely standing by our decisions, trusting that we won’t go back to a time of endless excuses. Once we’ve tasted the fruits of our freedom, we finally experience that nothing stays the same, so all that’s left to do is to patiently and persistently explore this new sense of self.
I hope ‘Cant Go Back’ resonates with you… I’d love to keep you updated with everything that’s happening! Sign up to my updates to stay connected. Keep dreaming with me – it’s all within you xx
